


Never Let Go

by thanksforthecrumb



Category: Reign (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hurt, Struggling with Emotions, Unrequited Love, god why is everything unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2018-01-19 15:17:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1474504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanksforthecrumb/pseuds/thanksforthecrumb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His palm was warm and slightly rough and held hers with confidence and security. She never wanted to let go. She never would let go. She’d hang on tight to him for all she was worth. But it wasn’t herself she was worried about. It was him. Because he would let go. He would always let go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Let Go

She sighed heavily, exasperated at her husband, who moved around her in their rooms carefully, avoiding any sort of contact. “Look, Bash. I know you don’t want this — this marriage. I —” here she swallowed, trying to get the words out and believable — “ don’t want this. But we should at least acknowledge each other’s existence. We’ll have to face it someday. Why not make someday now?”

Bash turned slowly to face her. His eyes met hers for a brief second before flitting down to her shoes. “Yes. Yes, that would be wise.”

She rose to meet him. She tried to make her manner casual and loose, but her heart was pounding, she was dizzy with the effort it took to breathe, and he was so close, so perfect. It took all she had in her to step in front of him and look him in the eyes. “We’re going to be married for a long time. Forever, actually,” she told him matter-of-factly. “I think it’s time we…talked about such things. Our—our plans.” Her breath caught in her throat at this. Plans. The only plans Bash was making probably involved sneaking out of their rooms and into Mary’s.

Bash gave her an incredulous look. “Plans. What is there to plan for? We’re _married_ , Kenna.” His voice became gentle. Bitter, almost. “There’s nothing more.”

Kenna fought the urge to grab his shoulders and insist that there _was_ something more. There _had_ to be. _I love you, damn it!_ She screamed at him in her head. But she stayed where she was, standing in front of him with her hands awkwardly limp at her side.

“But there is. Most men require children. I’d only wondered if…”

Bash smiled sadly. “You’re asking if I want children.”

Kenna looked at her feet. “Yes,” she whispered.

Bash reached a trembling hand to her face. Kenna’s breath hitched. He lifted her head gently to look in her eyes. When Kenna raised her eyes to his, she saw regret, shame, and hard, bitter honesty. “Would you like me to be truthful?”

Kenna felt her heart in tiny slivers. Of course she wanted him to be truthful. But she wanted him to be honestly in love with her. She wanted _that_ to be the truth. She wanted _those_ words to pour from his mouth as he looked at her tenderly. But she knew it wasn’t going to end up in the way she wanted. Pushing ahead anyway, she wet her lips and willed her voice to work. “Yes, Bash. Always. We should always be honest with each other.”

What a liar she was, standing in front of him, her lips telling him they should be honest with each other while her heart screamed the words she wished she could say over and over and over again. _I love you! Love me! I love you! Look at me! Feel it! I_ **_love_ ** _you!_ She could never tell him the truth.

“I’m going to be honest, then, Kenna. Please don’t be hurt. Please. I would never mean to hurt you.” Bash still held her chin with delicate fingers, and Kenna was finding it hard to breathe, what with his closeness and the dread she was feeling at hearing his next words.

“I won’t be hurt, Bash. You can’t hurt me.” 

She almost laughed at this statement. If only he knew just how much he _could_ hurt her, how much he hurt her already. Because it hurt just looking at him, just knowing that they were breathing the same air, living in the same world. Because, really, they shared much, but they would never share the one thing Kenna desperately wanted, the one thing she’d given foolishly. The one thing Bash gave endlessly to another who gave endlessly to another. She paled to wonder at just how much this simple man could crush her.

She faked a smile she hoped was convincing. “For you to hurt me, I’d have to care for you. Don’t flatter yourself, dear Sebastian. I don’t care _that_ much for you.” She laughed falsely and shakily.

Bash looked at her with darting, unsure eyes. His mouth parted in a small smile, and he matched her flimsy laugh with a quick chuckle of his own. Did he believe her? Or did he simply _want_ to believe her? Which was better? “That’s good. We’re at equal terms, then.” He paused, abruptly taking his hand from her chin. She felt the loss like a knife in her side. She imagined the fading warmth his fingers had lent and tried to preserve it. But it was disappearing fast, and soon her chin and heart was cold. She waited in cruel stillness, steeling herself all the while against his carefully chosen words that would undoubtedly cut like flint into her shredded heart.

“I do want children, Kenna. I do. But I—I just don’t want them with someone I don’t love.”

And with that her heart plunged. She tried not to look crestfallen, tried not to let her crushed heart show in her face. She painted on a smile. “I understand, Bash.”

Bash breathed out a sigh of relief. “I’m glad. Truly. I’d like us to be friends.” He smiled warmly down at her, and she tried to widen her own smile. But it felt as if her mask was slipping. Any moment now and she’d collapse from the effort it was taking to take this bravely, to pretend she didn’t care when the love of her life had told her bluntly he didn’t love her and probably never would.

The worst part was that he told her politely, told her with concern for her written across his face, clear in his mind. He was so damn _thoughtful_. He was so amazing and wonderful and he would never be hers. Never.

Bash nodded and reached for her hand. He encircled his fist around hers. She looked down at their hands, wrapped together. His palm was warm and slightly rough and held hers with confidence and security. She never wanted to let go. She never _would_ let go. She’d hang on tight to him for all she was worth. But it wasn’t herself she was worried about. It was him. Because he _would_ let go. He would _always_ let go.

“I’d like that,” she told him. His eyes twinkled as the candlelight shone in them. His smile was genuine now. But it was a friendly smile, a hopeful smile. Relieved. It was a smile reserved chiefly for a friend, or something amusing. “I’d like that, too.”

But she’d like so much more. So, so much more.


End file.
